For many years now I've heard transgender men and women, particularly persons who venture out in public or live in a new role, state that they receive a great deal of harassment out in the real world. Is however the attention these individuals receive always harassment? This article will probe that question and the subject of individual sensitivity, attraction and other related topics.

For the first few years of transition, and for many years before, I received a great deal of unsolicited attention. People kept telling me that I had to develop a "thick skin" if I wanted to survive in the world around me, however that advice alone never seemed to address the issue entirely. After all, how is a very sensitive person supposed to develop a thick skin? Is he or she supposed to simply abandon his or her feelings? That didn't seem very practical, for myself it would be giving up a very large part of who I am.

Over time I realized that there were other dynamics which played into the unsolicited attention I was receiving, especially the continuous joking and kidding that I received. Therapists and often therapy clients learn to process communication and victimization issues. Doing so is important because it helps a person learn to ask whether a prankster's behavior is cruel or malicious. However, in many instances I found that people didn't meant to be hurtful, and this is often where therapy falls short. Intentionally hurtful behavior is easy to recognize, particularly when a person obviously doesn't care at all about another person's feelings or makes threats which are detrimental to another's welfare. "You look like a freak, and should be thrown off a bridge," would be one such example. However, non-aggressive attention is often harder for people to understand.

Joking and kidding, even whispering, are often examples of non-aggressive attention. It is easy for a person to laugh at your differences, and he or she often will do so with no intention of directly attacking you. Do such people mean to hurt our feelings? In many cases no, because joking and kidding is simply the safest way they know how to express that they have observed that differences between you and themselves. Directly walking up and asking a person very private questions about obvious differences takes a sophisticated amount of social skills which many people do not have. Therefore, these people typically joke and laugh as an alternative. Additionally, defining a transgender person's differences through humor is a subtle way of informing you and others that the jokester believes him or herself to be living within stereotypical gender boundaries.

Do you have trouble discerning when someone is joking or kidding? Do all whispers sound like plots against you? If so, it's time to ask several friends or a therapist for his or her opinion on the situation. Replay the incident and ask people you trust if they believe you were being victimized. If they tell you the rogues were only bolstering up their egos, or pointing out that you are different, these are factors you can learn to make work for you.

Sometimes unsolicited attention will take the form of a compliment that sounds like an insult, but is truly meant as a compliment. A number of years ago, while living full-time as a transgender woman, I received a compliment from a husband and wife. They said I was "truly the loveliest man" they had ever seen. When I heard the word "loveliest" I was filled with daydreams. Had I finally acquired the finesse needed to model in Victoria's Secret catalogs? Not likely, and my feelings sank quickly as my mind focused on that word "man" within their compliment.

As my mind returned to the real life situation I took a closer look at the couple who had bestowed such a mixed compliment. It was obvious they were not savvy to transgender issues. In fact the couple was from Russia, a country known for institutionalizing people with differences. I was the first transgender person they had ever met. So, I left the compliment standing and felt flattered for the nice attention. The conversation did not develop further, so I bid them farewell as they continued their tourist activities in San Francisco. Had we continued talking, I probably would have very politely corrected them at the next gender infraction.

There are other times when correcting a gender infraction would be a waste of time. As an example, for many years neighborhood men would hang out and socialize on a porch which I walked by every day. Most of the time when I walked by I would be ignored. However, occasionally I would hear one comment to another, "there goes Miss Michael Jackson." Should I have been offended and challenged the comment? I didn't for several reasons. Firstly, because they were not talking directly to me. Secondly, I don't have the time. Like most non-transgender persons, they didn't have a clue about my gender identity or sexual orientation. Left to their own devises, they were only capable of concluding I was feminine and clearly unlike themselves.

Perhaps the most common form of kidding which transgender people fail to recognize is sexual attention. Countless number of clients and transgender women who contact me complain that they just do not understand why men kid them so much. This is because they have not been socialized as women, and do not realize that humor is the first step in the human courtship ritual. In fact, this dynamic is so prevalent that over the years in my personal life I have developed a saying that goes as follows.

Those that laugh loudest during the day, especially in front of their friends, are the same men that will be knocking first on your door when the lights go down low. In other words, if a man laughs, he is generally paying a compliment, because men typically do not pay attention to women they don't find somewhat interesting.

Is the same advice relevant to FTM's or gay/lesbian identified persons? In a lot of circumstances, especially close contact social situations, probably. Nothing catches a potential partner attention quicker than the sound of laughter, except perhaps actual physical shape and body language. Nevertheless it is important to keep in mind that regardless of whether a person's attentions are sexual or purely social, laughter also very frequently indicates a sense of nervousness on the part of the one laughing. This is how humans deal with experiences which are new to them. How you react to people's laughing and kidding can greatly predict whether their next words will be kindly or harsh. My best advice don't throw back harsh words or looks. You can ignore it or join in.