Over the years I have been contacted by very deeply closeted crossdressers, transsexuals and other transgender persons. Often these individuals believe that coming out is an impossibility. Many rarely socialize, even stealthfully on the Internet, for fearing of being found out. Others, seldom if ever avail themselves to counseling, even though such resources are confidential. Some, even call transgender hotlines, but then find themselves unable to talk and hang the phone up after hearing hello.

I recently had the good fortune to hold a brief conversation with one of these elusive individuals. I knew it was highly unlikely I would ever have an extended conversation with that person again, thus out of curiosity I asked what his favorite fantasy was, and found it surprisingly familiar. My caller said that he simply wanted to dress en femme and to go out with a trusted friend or another transgender person to a great restaurant.

When I asked what it was that prevented my caller from pursuing his fantasy, he said "mostly fear." His wife was very non-supportive of the crossdressing issue, and he wished to avoid quarreling and potentially damaging their relationship. His concerns, while heartfelt, didn't come across as surprising. However, the individual was surprised to find that his experiences were not so different from that of other transgender persons.

The dynamics which keep people closeted and often unhappy are typically similar for most transgender folk. These can be guilt, fear, or other emotional holdbacks. Often people are rightfully concerned about potential loss of employment, social status or of damaging relationships. One is left wondering if these individuals are destined to live in the closet forever, turning ordinary transgender life experiences into unobtainable exotic dreams. Also, can such a person truly ever be happy?

If a person isn't a very big risk taker, the possibility does exist he or she may remain closeted forever. Happiness, however, can sometimes be even more elusive than fantasies, and each individual must decide what choices are best. If nothing else, a person can decide whether to have an unfurnished closet or upgrade to one which is replete with every possible convenience. I have observed that often even small changes can significantly begin to improve people's quality of life over time.

There are in fact many types of closets within the transgender community. The obvious ones are those that people tend to hide in deepest, such as the married man with secret desires of crossdressing or being a woman. There are also however a lot of transgender persons who transition with fanfare, and then after a few years slip into a new closet, and won't even acknowledge another transgender person on the street or in their place of employment. In other words people often exchange one closet for another.

There are many well-written articles about communicating one's gender identity and needs to others. However, there is a crucial point typically overlooked within these articles and by active members of the transgender community. This would be that nobody has the right to pass judgement on the closets that people seek or their choices made in life. People have other priorities and we are not always privilege to know their reasoning. Most importantly, nobody should feel pressured to conform to transgender stereotypes, which is why I encourage people to explore crossdressing and transgender issues at their own pace.

I have enjoyed interacting with people who are deeply closeted. Something in their brave spirit motivated them to reach out, even if only for a moment and express feelings most 'out' people had at one time. I encourage each individual to treat these persons with the same respect he or she would hope to receive in a similar situation. Moreover, remember that the problems transgender men and women face are not one necessarily of self-creation, but primarily originate from others' opinions and judgements. Closeted folks fear the same discrimination, harassment, violence and abandonment that affect all transgender persons. Like those out in the community, they don't need to be put down for their choices when briefly visiting or calling for help.

Where does all this leave closeted people? Still in the closet, of course. I imagine that must be very painful and unfulfilling at times. This is because as adults, after having worked through most survival, social and relationship issues, there remains one particular need that is not being addressed for people in the closet. That would be the need to be oneself as a whole person. More technically stated, when a transgender individual avoids acknowledging his or her gender needs, he or she is not addressing gender identity as an integral part of one's self identity. Non-transgender folks certainly don't shy away from being all the man or woman they want to be, so why should we?

Recognizing the preceding points takes time. Sometimes a person's whole life. I always feel particularly saddened when occasionally I read an account of a man's will asking that he be buried in a dress stashed in his attic. Where nobody knew the real person underneath, until after death. I assume that closeted persons, like others, only live once, which is why I encourage individuals to view exploring gender as a personal process. There are instances where people have the internal skills to explore gender issues earlier in life, the vast majority of people however have to build up courage in order to move forward.

Occasionally, I am called the great advocate of coming out of the closet. This would not however be true, because closets are essential for the safety of individuals who still have yet to come to terms with who they are. In this sense, closets are a good thing at least temporarily. The person who has one should not feel guilty or ashamed! Nevertheless, I certainly could not recommend one as a permanent life-long thing, especially since there are so many types of resources for transgender people. Coming out starts with small steps, and I'm hoping the closeted individual that recently called me, summons up the courage to find out how to safely go out to dinner, rather than allowing such an ordinary daily activity to remain outside his potential reality.