For anyone having suffered gender dysphoria, or that unrelenting discomfort with one's gender identification and social role, shame can be the hidden disabler. The level of disability varies widely between people and often depends upon how creatively a person can reshape his or her thinking and self-define one's presentation.

For instance, I have worked with clients who very much cannot 'pass' as a member of their new gender and may never do so. Yet, somehow, with all the world aware, these individuals feel relatively comfortable when others observe their former gender. On the other hand, there are individuals who are 'passing perfect,' who fret over the smallest detail, and live in constant fear that someone will shout out "will the man-in-a-dress please stand up!"

For many these shame issues easily resolve through the initial years of transition. New men and women receive validation from others, and then negative, inappropriate comments from others do not feel so terrible. Others, however, have a more difficult time accepting validation from others, and it almost seems as if their emotional velcro has been frayed down in some manner, to the point that positive validation does not have as great an impact overwriting negative messages. This can be particularly true for those who have been abused either as children or adults.

Where does this all leave you, the transgender man or woman with a real desire to live in role comfortably? Much depends upon how much emotional work you are willing to do. Above all things, it is important to gain a realistic assessment of your presentation and what improvements can be made. This can be done by asking as many people as possible what they think of your clothing style, comportment and even how others view your comfort level.

Be prepared for varying degrees of honesty and criticism when asking loved ones and peers questions about you. There are some people who may not want to hurt your feelings, and who may state that you look wonderful. There are also individuals who will provide you a long laundry list of improvements they would make. Within your own mind, if you can balance these people's comments somewhere in the middle that is generally a safe method in which to begin making changes.

People dealing with shame issues also tend to avoid support groups. Not going to group may feel safe and comfortable, however it is not a good idea. Even if you do not feel comfortable pouring out every detail of your life, you still need to hear about the experiences of othersand particularly from those who have walked the path before you. Even though you might not talk about yourself at first during group attendance, at some juncture you may find that group is a safe place to practice communicating your needs.

Reading the accounts of transgender men and women is also a positive way to learn how others deal with life issue. Be forewarned that just like with support groups, there always are individuals who will believe their own experiences and opinions to be the only right one. Do not fall into this trap! Your experiences and opinions are equally valid. As a brief example, in performing over 1,900 Gender Specialized Evaluations, I found a countless array of beliefs as to why we have transgender identities. Everyone's journey has similarities, yet is the details which may differ.

>From a practical standpoint it is also valuable to learn how to cope with people's curiosity and lack of social grace. If you bear in mind that people define themselves by how others appear, it becomes only logical that others will notice things that are different about you. In many respects, like non-transgender persons, you are fair game for this self-definition process others go through. This process is not much different than children comparing hair and eye color when befriending new playmates. The next curious stare you encounter may just be someone wishing he or she could be more like you!

Where comparisons become inappropriate is when someone abuses or discriminates against you because of these differences. It is your right to find a safe way to resolve the abuse so that it does not reoccur. When resolution isn't possible, such as when you determine a confrontation is not worth the effort because the person obviously lacks compassion for others, it is important to recognize their poor coping skills is not about you. Their own lack of manners does not make you more or less of a man or woman, or a good or bad person.

I recommend counseling for any person who continues to experience disabling former gender shame, particularly if this prevents your use of public facilities, gaining meaningful employment or forming the social relationships most people have. Do not be ashamed of asking for help for what essentially is a very human issue which can be improved upon and increase your quality of life. You deserve a life where you can be comfortable with who you are.