Recently I overheard a FTM community leader state that he disliked attending MTF-oriented conventions because of the sexual harassment. I listened closely as I had heard similar complains from some of my FTM clients in the past. So it seems, according to them, if a couple of FTMs enter or participate within a social environment filled with MTF women, they undoubtedly experiencing uninvited romantic overtures from MTFs.

So, some ask, what is the big deal? Arent men supposed to enjoy a womans attention? One would think a man naturally would be interested in females. How many non-transgender men would complain about being surrounded by a fan club of admiring females? This article probes the question why FTMs and MTFs dont always see eye to eye on this and other issues.

I am hoping this article sparks some controversy. Not over my exposing a sensitive issue, but rather so that FTMs and MTFs can develop a better understanding of each other. Moreover, I believe it is extremely beneficial for transgender men and women to examine the gender stereotypes which they embrace in order to reconstruct their sense of identity.

One of the most common assumptions FTMs appear to resent, is the idea that being one type of transgender person automatically means one has a unique insight into anothers experiences. After all, are not MTFs and FTMs transitioning in similar but exactly opposite directions? Unfortunately having a transgender identity is not always that simple.

Surprisingly, the feelings, ideas, experiences and needs existing between MTF and FTM persons can differ dramatically. FTMs in many circumstances are interested in being or becoming men. They are not likely to experience the same degree of excitement an MTF may feel when discussing female experiences. This is because FTMs are serious about seeking male bonding and rivalry. Sometimes, a woman who gets in the way of this process is likely to get pushed aside or put in her place. Like their non-transgender counterparts, some FTMs can be extremely aggressive, confrontational, even obnoxious.

In defense, it should not however be assumed that FTMs are misogynist or hate women. Quite simply they just dont want to be women. In fact, their once having lived as women does not necessarily mean that they had the same feelings as a non-transgender women. Unlike non-transgender women, FTMs are likely to have spent the majority of their lives fighting the very feelings and characteristic that non-transgender women readily accept.

Rightly so, FTMs frequently take great pride in the previous point. Many are also often quick to announce that they rejected their feelings and feminine characteristics many years before transition. This generalization, while frequently true for FTMs, is uncharacteristic of most MTFs who often have to struggle very hard to develope feminine attributes. Somehow the previous dynamic introduces consternation. Who is more valid? Is it the person who blended in easily to society before transition or the one who had to struggle harder and longer after transition?

Another difference which can bring up strong opinions is the issue of victimization. Notably, a woman adopting male attributes is less likely to be victimized than a male adopting female attributes. At times both MTFs and FTMs feel unrecognized, because they believe their population is more overlooked than the other. At times, FTMs may feel that nobody wants to hear about it when a man gets victimized. Men are supposed to just take it. MTFs may feel that nobody cares when a woman gets victimized. Women naturally end up getting victimized more than men.

Over the years I have spoken with a number of FTMs who have deeply resented the romantic overtures of MTFs. Conversely, I have also spoken with a number of MTFs who have felt victimized by an FTM responding hostiley or nervously to the advances of MTFs. It would seem that apples and oranges dont always mix, unless their is a mutual consent to make a fruit salad!

Generally speaking, most males prefer to be the aggressor in male/female coupling. In my experience most mens opinions of a flirtatious female can be that she is cute, however men also know that a woman who flirts aggressively will also likely be flirting with more than one guy. Also. sometimes FTMs have a gay identity, just as some MTFs may have a lesbian sexual orientation. All this adds up to one complex process of people trying to figure out who is attracted to who.

Shoshanna Gillick,MD., a transgender woman and psychiatrist, summed up the preceding process of understanding relationships best when she says that it is truly a beautiful thing when two people among thousands can find love, attraction and companionship. The brain synapses fire, the heart beat increases, biological drives take over and a connection is made. Keeping such a process alive is significant achievement, according to her.

One of the things that naturally set up both MTFs and FTMs for some rocky first time romantic pursuits is the fact that transition introduces a re-examination of both sexual orientation and intimate discovery. Testosterone can do wonderful things to a new mans sex drive. Also, estrogen can remarkably awaken a new woman sensualities. These biological factors should not be forgotten, neither should a persons sensitivity and manners.

Unlike non-transgender persons who may have a lifetime of experience pursuing intimate and sexual liaison, newly transition persons are frequently just getting started redefining who they are and who they are attracted to.

If you are an FTM and receive an unwanted sexual advance, take into consideration the new womans predicament. This new woman may have spent any number of years as a male where she was expected to aggressively seek out those relationships she desired. She may not yet have learned that if a man finds her attractive she wont need to worry about being pursued. After all, the most subtle female flirtation will attract the right partner. Afterwards, men do a remarkable job of letting women know when they are interested.

If you are an MTF and a FTM is not interested in you, dont allow this to damage your self-esteem. Generally speaking if a fellows eyes dont open wide at a subtle flirtation he may be previously engaged or not interested in anyone. Give guys their space and you will find they can be fairly nice, even sophisticated and gentlemanly.