As a gender specializing therapist and author, I enjoy hearing from people who have questions about gender identity issues.  Sometimes I receive letters of inquiry from third parties or in other words people who actually aren't transgender themselves, but who are in some way affected by others which are.  Within this group I occasionally hear from grandparents.  Below is an example of one such letter:

Dear Gianna,

My former son-in-law decided a few years ago to change genders.  His son, my grandson, has been in counseling, but does not really seem to understand what has happened.  He is just about eight years old. Originally my son-in-law abandoned my daughter and his son when the child was about two years old.  During visitation, my grandson seems to think that his daddy wants to be a girl.  This has embarrassed the little fella' on many occasions, making him very angry!  This happens when my former son-in-law dresses like a female and insists everyone call him Nancy. Counseling hasn't really helped us.  We just want our grandson's daddy to change back and see that he is destroying his son's life.  Even though the marriage is probably destroyed, changing back would at least give my grandson a proper father-son relationship.  Is there any way you can help?

Signed,
A Distressed Grandparent

Readers, letters like the preceding one are difficult to answer because sometimes people's backgrounds make it difficult to change people's opinions.  Therefore, when I respond I typically strive to search for a common ground that allows people to learn new information to help balance their perspective on a subject.  In this instance, I focused on the child's welfare, because that is the predominant issue of concern to the grandparent.  Here is how I answered:

Dear Distressed:

Thank you for your letter and question.  Please bear in mind that in hearing of your family situation, I am only privy to one side of the story.  Thus, I will attempt to answer generally, leaving you to decide what options best fit your situation.

If my understanding of your family's situation is essentially correct, your grandson has perceived things as they truly are.  If your former son-in-law has gone to such tremendous lengths to become a girl, more precisely to be a transsexual woman, chances are this is 'her' gender identity.  Much as you have a male gender identity, and couldn't possibly conceive of being any other gender, your former son-in-law has a female or transgender identity, which suits who she is as a person.

Is there an easy explanation for the preceding?  Probably not.  However, we do know that there is no cure for having a transgender identity.  In the past, physicians have tried medication, electroshock therapy and other drastic measures in an attempt to find cures.  Therefore, a transgender person's only choice may be to live as who they are, and present him or herself accordingly to the world.  The alternative to not doing so would be to live a lie, and live a life of emotional torture.

The only error I am aware of on the part of your former son-in-law is in asking to be called "Nancy" by the child.  This would be more appropriate if the child were past puberty, if he wished to do so in public.  However, at the age of eight the child should be able to identify his father as "Daddy."  For that matter many adult children still refer to their transgender parent as their father, or 'mother' in the circumstance of females who transition and live as men.

I can imagine that you love your grandson and daughter immensely.  Thus, your actions in this matter play a large role in shaping others reactions, ideas and opinions.  Albeit we do not always understand differences in others, including differently-gendered persons, if you desire family harmony this is a situationall concerned would be best served by your coming to terms with the gender issue.  Then, you can pass on to your grandson the awareness that people's differences are okay, even if we don't understand these differences all the time.

Probably one of the most important things you can do is to obtain and read educational information about your former son-in-law's condition. Try to think about doing so as a crash detective course in human differences.  TgForum.com on the Internet's World Wide Web (www) will provide a broad overview of information about transgender folk and the book True Selves by Mildred Brown, Ph.D. will provide a focused summary on the issues.

I can imagine that reading about gender identity issues is something that would be new.  However, it does not hurt to learn about your son-in-law's concerns, since these will continue to impact your family for the remainder of your life.  You can set an example of how a person responds when others are hurting by taking what you learn about gender issues and applying it to the situation at hand. The most important thing I would like to bring to your attention is that thousands of transgender persons are good parents, and that these issues do not have to destroy families.  For that matter, there are also countless numbers of grandparents who have transgender adult children, and who play a vital role in keeping families together rather than allowing differences to tear them apart.  I am hopeful you will allow yourself to become such a grandparent.