During the past year I have received a series of nasty telephone messages each month from the very unhappy wife of a crossdresser. According to her messages, she believes that perverted therapists like me taught her ex-husband how to secretly wear dresses and perform unnatural sex acts. She could never tolerate having a husband who acted deviant because her friends may find out. When she doesn't carry on about that, she makes it very clear that she believes crossdressers and their cohorts are undermining traditional family values.

It should be apparent to most of my readers that a person who leaves these types of messages is really suffering but needs to move on and get a life. She needs to resolve her anger and learn more about crossdressing and gender issues. I hope she can do that and find peace. Her anger does, however, introduce some important questions. How can crossdressers prevent this type of situation from developing in their own relationships? Is it possible to secretly dress and remain honest within a relationship? And lastly, how can crossdressing and gender issues be presented in a more positive light?

First, we must address stereotypes such as traditional family values. I personally find this label very unusual, particularly when we take into consideration that many families in today's world are anything but traditional. Men and women get married in order to fulfill stereotypes taught to us by society, and then approximately half of these couples get divorced within their first year of marriage because someone's needs are not being met. More and more single-parent families are raising today's children, and gay or lesbian adoptions are becoming commonplace.

If we view the development of families as part of natural human destiny, it should then be clear that diversity is one of the oldest of traditional family values. For example, crossdressers as well as others with gender differences have been around since the beginning of time, and this should be a fact of pride to transgender men and women. It has also been my observation that the majority of persons who crossdress generally are excellent parents. This is particularly so for individuals who as a result of being transgendered teach their children to respect differences in others.

The nasty telephone messages I have received do provide clues to how crossdressers and other transgender persons can prevent this type of situation from developing in their own relationships. By stating that I had taught her husband how to secretly crossdress and perform unnatural sex acts, she appears to be giving me remarkable powers to control her life as well as that of my clients. In doing so, I would suspect she invested heavily in the hope that her husband would be able to fulfill her needs. This is an important dynamic to recognize, because it introduces the topic of interdependency.

In simplest of terms, interdepency is when two people come together to have their needs met, yet retain their own individuality in order to have those needs met which cannot be fulfilled in a relationship. Being able to depend on someone is good; however, depending on someone with the option of pursuing your own personal interests is better. Incorporating interdependency in a relationship allows both persons to have strength and maintain self-reliance skills.

On many occasions I have heard crossdressers state that they wish their significant other would appreciate or participate in their crossdressing activities. In some circumstances this is possible. However, in many circumstances it isn't, and it should not be pushed onto someone who is not interested. Especially if a couple was married before the non-crossdressing spouse became aware that the other partner had special gender needs. In situations such as these, compromise is possible, and I have seen numerous couples stay together under a plan of allowing one partner to crossdress while the other partner develops their own special interest or skill. Parents with children can alternately take on the children for a day each week, allow each other a chance to pursue their interests.

Encouraging a spouse to view differences in people as a positive characteristic can be an asset to any relationship. While not every significant other likes the idea that their husband (or wife) crossdresses, they often benefit from this person's sensitivity and willingness to understand other's needs. Finally, in a broader educational view, many people do not understand that crossdressing provides a healthy emotional release for those who do so. People do not crossdress to destroy other people's lives or bring devastation into their own. They crossdress because it fulfills an inner need that nothing else can fulfill.

Since I am reputably in the habit of teaching people how to secretly crossdress I must pass on the following. If you are a person who has been unable to come out to your spouse, don't fret. There is no reason to unnecessarily burden yourself with guilt. Rather, invest your time finding safe ways to crossdress without interfering with the lives of others. You can do so by having your own private mailbox for correspondence, by visiting social groups or events where you can talk with others who have similar interests and experiences, and by choosing wisely whom you wish to share your secret with. Once you become more confident and feel that incorporating crossdressing into your life on a regular basis is the right step for you, seek gender-specialized help and learn how to deal with coming out.