This is an article written for non-transgender as well as transgender persons. Especially for persons interested in asking very personal questions or seeking an advice from a careprovider. As a happy therapist with a busy practice I do not feel inclined to change careers suddenly, thus Emily Post's job is safe, however there is one observation I have made worth mentioning. The key to maintaining and building good interpersonal relationships is with good manners. Many times, or so it seems, people lose all their sensibilities when it comes to asking questions.

Have you as a person, transgender or not, ever encountered a person begging for quarters? Without question you may have reached into your purse or pocket, secured some form of loose change, handed it to the person, and may have even wished them well as you went on your way. Well, imagine this. Imagine that the person then asked you for a second, third and fourth quarter! Getting bombarded with questions can feel a lot like that. Is there a decorum to asking people questions? You bet there is. Without a doubt, a person can get their questions answered a couple ways without being impolite.

When it comes to asking questions, ask permission, especially if the nature of your curiosity is personal. People often have very different ideas of whether or not they consider a topic to be private. Asking permission to ask personal questions, allows the person find out why a question is being asked. It also allows the person to decline to answer, and point out resources where the question might just as readily be answered. Most importantly, asking permission avoids placing a person in an uncomfortable or even embarrassing situation. After all a person may feel perfectly comfortable with him or herself but feel uncomfortable when talking about personal issues with strangers.

The preceding introduces a relevant question. Is it appropriate to ask questions about a person's sex life, genitals, body functions and fluids? That all depends on how well you know someone, or really want to know him or her. As a transgender woman, when I am asked deeply personal questions, I often will ask my interrogator in a friendly manner why they are asking such questions. I may even ask other questions. Have you asked such questions because you are interested in dating me? Would you like me to demonstrate sexual positions? Will you tell me your sexual history after I tell you mine? Many times, I just laugh kindly and look away while ignoring the question. Occasionally, with persistent people, I tell them to go buy a porno tape.

It is quite possible some people think I have issue with being asked deeply personal questions. The fact is however most people don't like having their privacy invaded. Asking a transgender person deeply private and particularly sexual questions is akin to asking a complete stranger if he or she masturbated today. This does not however mean a person will not answer such questions, which leads us back to my original advice. If you take the time to get to know a person and then request his or her permission to ask personal questions, this will typically provide an inroad to fulfilling your curiosity. After all, even my best friends can ask me just about any question, just as I'm sure yours can, also.

Another important aspect to asking people questions is to respect their time. If you have an unending number of questions about gender issues, don't bombard one person with to many questions. Instead, buy yourself a good book about gender identity issues. This can include "True Selves" by Mildred Brown, Ph.D. (for an easy, informative read) or my book "Transgender Care" (for a clinical read). Also, type the word "transgender" into the Yahoo search engine on the WWW. On the Internet, without a doubt you will find many find resources, including TG-Forum. (http://www.tgforum.com). After you have read all you can, then go back to your new friend and ask those questions which remain unanswered.

Another important subject concerns people's time and experiences when we contemplate asking questions. For instance, not every transgender persons will have the answers you are seeking. Sometimes a person may be in the process of trying to find answers for him or herself. People can't be expected to respond to questions for which they do not have answers. In fact, people at the beginning of transition are often just learning how to talk about gender issues. This is why with nearly every new client I remind him or her that it is okay not to have told others about his or her situation. After all, how is a person supposed to provide information on a subject they know very little about?

Another subject which affects both non-transgender as well as transgender persons, is when soliciting resources and advice from gender specializing therapists, doctors, lawyers and community leaders. Every week my mail box and answering machine are full with requests for information from potential clients, concerned family members, other careproviders and curious people and students. Is there a proper manner in which to ask professionals questions? It probably would be a good idea to use the basic suggestions outlined earlier in this article. However, more importantly, there are some special ways you can guarantee your request actually gets answered on someone else's busy schedule.

A lot of busy professionals and community leaders are overwhelmed with requests, which often cut into their personal time. You don't want someone pushing the delete button to your letter with questions. Bleep! You're gone. Therefore, respect people's time limitations. The most important thing you can do is to keep your request for information brief and to the point. This means one to three brief written paragraphs or a two-minute answering machine message. Clearly state your request in easy-to-understand language, and provide several ways the person can reach you. This allows your request to be easily heard and answered in a manner most convenient to the recipient of your message or letter.

If in the event you are seeking advice on a situation that is going to take more than five to seven minutes of a busy careprovider's time, it often is wise to ask permission to run your situation past the individual. The preceding allows the professional to advise you on the best way for you to communicate with him or her. When reviewing a situation, some people prefer that you send a detailed letter, others prefer to communicate by telephone, occasionally you may even be asked to make an appointment. A lot will depend on that individual's work habits, communication style and schedule.

As a busy professional, one trick I use to get my questions answered is I like to spread questions around. This is especially helpful when I have a list of questions which can't be answered using printed resources. Thus, instead of bombarding one person with twelve questions, I might contact four people and ask three questions. This improves my chances of getting answers, it also provides different opinions, especially if I ask a single important question among several people. For more complex situations, I usually send a letter of introduction and inquiry to feel out whether the person is receptive to hearing about my needs.

One phenomena which I found to be specific to the transgender community, is that of people sending written histories when requesting help of others. Chances are when introducing yourself to a careprovider or anyone else, people are not interested in reading your diary. It is fine if you write for self-reflection, however, histories seldom actually get read. Amazing as it may seem, those careproviders that actually do respond to people's letters, typically only have time to scan letters for question marks (?) when they have a pile of correspondence on their desk.

In your role of asking people questions, once your curiosity or situation has been satisfied, do not assume that person is now your new best friend. (Unless of course he or she actually is one!) The preceding advice is particularly true in several situations. If you are a non-transgender person do not expect that gender issues is a transgender person's only interest. We appreciate people learning about our differences, but we also appreciate being treated with the same dignity and respect you would give other humans. Do not assume we are going to always want to meet your neighbor, lover or colleagues, solely so they can meet a real transsexual. Moreover, if you meet another transgender person, do not assume we know each other.

On the same note as the preceding advice, if you seek help from a professional or community leader, allow that person to move on when he or she has finished helping you. Over the years I've received hundreds of requests for lunch or dinner from people I have assisted. Sometimes the offer is extended as a genuine thank you when appreciative words would have sufficed. However, other times the person is looking to continue conversation about his or her concerns, or he or she is seeking to socialize with a new found friend. Support groups are a good place to start looking if you wish to meet others with shared interests. Give careproviders and community leaders space to seek out their own relationships, on their own terms, which satisfy their interests and needs.

In closure, saying thank you is a gift commonly forgotten these days. It leaves people feeling unappreciated and used when this is forgotten, especially when it happens too frequently. The average phone call or well composed response letter takes approximately ten to fifteen minutes of a person's time. Make sure to thank people for the time they invest in you. I have been fortunate as a careprovider. I have received gifts and cards from all over the country over the years from people who appreciated my efforts. However, nothing catches my attention more than the person who remembers a simple thank you.