Most people have several or a few things that they wish they had (or not) done during the course of their lives.  Stop and ponder for a moment.  Do any regrets come to mind for you?  After finding the wholeness that comes with redefining one's gender identity, having transitioned earlier in life often ranks extremely high among such wishes.  As a gender specialist, I have found the preceding regrets are not limited to age groups, and happen with persons in their twenties as well as fifties.

Coming to terms with having a transgender identity, and then safely incorporating crossdressing or transitioning into one's life, is one of the most complex life situations an individual may encounter.  The stress of doing so can easily be compared with other stressors that come with other major changes.  A divorce, a major relationship change, loss of one's employment or diminishment of income, each of these come to mind. Transgender men and women routinely encounter at least one or a combination of these things, and more.

More mature adults sometimes forget how life is often unforgivably dangerous for young persons.  Also, transitioning, with its many difficulties, often requires the communication and coping skills acquired over a lifetime.  Many young persons do not yet have these survival abilities and risk many dangers.  While there are many successful young transgender persons, there are just as many who cannot gain an education, are abandoned by family and fall victims to violence, homelessness and illness.  This is particularly so for those with no support structure of understanding persons interested in the young man or woman's questions and needs.

Returning to our subject matter, we find that as people mature, simple regrets are common and healthy.  Essentially, reviewing our past is important so that we may have some idea as to where we are going and which mistakes bear avoiding.  However, regrets turn unhealthy when they become all consuming, distract an individual from enjoying life or limit one's ability to create a healthy reality today.

The examples of how internal regrets impede our lives are certain to sound familiar.  Here are common ones expressed in counseling.  -I wish I had transitioned sooner because now at 57 years I am too old for a relationship.  -I feel guilty for not being honest with others and myself for so long.  -There is no way for me to experience a full-life in my new gender, I am no longer young or able to make changes.  -I am too old to transition!

Regrets hurt deeply inside us.  They are not easy to confront because confronting them can be scary.  However, doing so is required if a person wishes to improve on his or her situation.  With transition, one can do so at just about any age.  Just as one can form new relationships, find a fascinating new career, mentor others who need help, or find a new hobby. Certainly, nobody will fault you for making up for lost time by shopping and safely fulfilling your fantasies!

Sometimes taming regrets calls for creativity and good question asking. What is it that you would have liked to have done at ages 20, 25, 30 and 40?  I have seen individuals at 60 become active in skydiving, and people at 45 become runway models.  If we operate under the possibility we only have one life to live, get busy living, and do not allow regrets to hold you back from the life you are meant to have.

One particularly fiendish form of self-abasement that afflicts many transgender persons, is the regret and guilt associated with an inability to disclose to others earlier.  It is important to come to terms earlier with several basic facts.  It is often impossible to discuss issues that you are still trying to learn about and accept.  Sharing one's needs with others is often very difficult, and the complexity of gender issues does not make disclosure an easy task.  My best advice: accept yourself unconditionally, forgive if necessary, ask of and treat others the same, and then move on with living.