There exists a great amount of information dealing with the subject of crossdressers who purge and return to the closet. Transsexuals, transgenderists, and other transgender persons also are not immune to the pattern of disappearing from the transgender community. This article probes less explored issues within this subject area. It may also introduce topics of controversy, which are less likely to be discussed in support groups.

As many crossdressers are likely aware, purging involves getting rid of transgender feelings, crossgender clothing and other things associated with having a transgender identity. After fulfilling a particularly strong desire to crossdress, during a purge the crossdresser just wants to return to normalcy. In many instances, there are significant feelings of shame and guilt for the days and even weeks, a person spent crossdressing. For a crossdresser or transgenderist, this may even mean terminating new friendships that developed while crossdressing or even living part-time in role as a transgender person.

For pre-operative transsexuals resigning transition as well as post-operative transsexuals, there also often exists a desire to return to the stability of non-transgender society. Our community is abundant with stories of individuals who abandoned transition and completely disappeared. Also familiar are the accounts of post-operative transsexuals who surface in the community after having lived stealth or without having had community contact for many years. Left unanswered is an important question. What causes this pattern of transgender persons appearing and disappearing from our community?

The most prevalent dynamics underlying the preceding patterns are shame, guilt and fear. Once having their needs fulfilled, during a purge crossdressers abandon their clothes and transgender identity frequently with great haste. In some respects, many crossdressers are like tourists in the transgender community. They party, have a good time and then they are not seen until their desire overwhelms them again. Based on the preceding, it would almost see as if the only real way for a crossdresser to end purging patterns would be to come to terms with having a transgender identity. This would include finding safe ways to crossdress on a regular basis and come out to at least a small, supportive group of friends or family. Many crossdressers are however understandably unwilling to go to such lengths. This is particularly so as coming out risks damaging current relationships, social identity, and even perception of self.

Transgenderists and pre-operative transsexuals who abandon both transition and the transgender community also find themselves dealing with shame, guilt and fear. Some genuinely feel loss and desire to return to a life of social normalcy. This is because transitioning or living in role part-time as a transgender person can exhaust one's energy and resources. I have observed that individuals who start transition, and then abandon it, are frequently the same individuals who return to the community later. When they return they frequently have deep feelings of regret for having once given up too soon. Transgenderists and pre-operative transsexuals will find that the best safeguard against having to leave the community or abandon transition would be to spend more time investing and planning their current development. In other words, rather than jumping into sudden changes it is generally prudent to plan changes carefully.

The preceding advice is particularly applicable to individuals who want genital reassignment surgery. Making a transition and undergoing surgery can be an extremely grueling process. Yet, it does not have to be so. Many transsexuals want a transition punctuated by immediacy. They want to be able to pass perfectly, often without doing their homework on presentation. They seek hormones and surgery on demand, without seriously considering the consequences. Also, during transition transsexuals frequently fail to fully explore their new social role. Then, as a result of the preceding, they find themselves eager to abandon the community and their transgender identity because these are associated with uncomfortable or painful experiences.

I strongly encourage transsexuals to fully probe what it means to have a transgender identity during the course of transition. If a person fails to do so, he or she will find that unfinished business remains post-surgically. Moreover, after having witnessed numerous post-operative transsexuals return to the community, after having lived stealth for many years, I wish to call into question why an individual must go stealth just to feel normal. Normalcy is not abandoning who you are, but rather involves feeling totally integrated without shame of who you are. In a time where transgender individuals are more socially accepted, and even protected by anti-discrimination ordinances, there is little reason for entirely abandoning one's transgender identity. I encourage balance. Being true to yourself doesn't mean taking out an advertisement. However, there is also nothing wrong with being out to loved ones or having transgender friends.

As I write this article I ponder one particular transsexual woman I am aware of who has lived stealth in San Francisco for many years. She has never met another a transgender person, and even feels too afraid to meet me at a mutual friend's house. She also greatly fears being found out at work despite the fact that she is extremely competent and residing in a city with transgender anti-discrimination ordinances. Her situation introduces a question. Is it necessary for transgender people to spend their entire lives fighting shame, guilt and fear? I sincerely don't think so. Clearly, the vast amounts of energy a person invests into living stealth could be redirected into healthy relationships and social interaction with just a little extra effort. Being honest is an inroad to freedom. Freedom, itself, is something we all are seeking.

Transgender people who live in stealth or constantly purge also need to consider the repercussions their actions have upon others. This particularly includes others in the transgender community. Although there is a great deal of printed literature about people who have transitioned, nothing compares to the impact of learning about transition from someone who has actually done so firsthand. This includes non-operative and post-operative persons. Those transgender persons considering going stealth need to remember that in all likelihood their transition was possible because they learned from someone who stayed in the community. Even staying in the community on a part-time basis is better than abandoning it entirely.

If a person finds he or she must go stealth or continually purge, hopefully he or she will remember his or her roots. For some individuals, participation in the transgender community is like being a tourist. Please advise people if you only intend to stay a short while, this way others will understand your leaving. Nobody likes making new friends, only to have them disappear without explanation. People will be just as willing to have a good time with you, if you explain your intentions to them. Honesty counts a lot in the feelings department. Finally, if you enjoy visiting the transgender community occasionally, please consider donating to those organizations and people who made your good time possible.