Note: This FAQ is incomplete. I have made it available because it now contains considerably more than the original FAQ, but there is still much work to be done. Please send suggestions, comments, and contributions to Diane Wilson.

7.1.What is Crossdressing About?

The Cross Dressing FAQ is a starting point for coming to terms with the underlying issues.

The Renaissance Educational Association addresses Myths & Misconceptions About Crossdressers, and explains Reasons for Male to Female Crossdressing.

7.2.How do I keep my marriage?

Tammy contributed this FAQ on How do I Tell my SO?
[This revision 6-23-97]

Probably the most Frequently Asked Question (FAQ) in this group (alt.support.crossdressing) is how to tell your wife or other Significant Other (SO) about your crossdressing.

I'm no expert on this, myself. But I've seen a great deal of wisdom on this and other newsgroups, it occurred to me that it would be helpful if all this wisdom were collected in one place, and you don't have to be an expert to make a compilation. Since nobody else has thought to do so, I've stuck my neck out.

So here's a FAQ on this issue. Please let me know your comments, criticisms, and suggestions for other points, preferably by posting them here on the newsgroup so others can read them and add to them.

Acknowledgements: I don't know exactly how to handle these; CDers may not care to be outed by this FAQ. I've compromised by using first names only: thus Joan, Carol, Karen, and Marilyn.

0. Intended audience. This FAQ is addressed to men who crossdress and are concerned about how to tell their wives or girlfriends about this. It makes no attempt to address people with Gender Identity Dysphoria (GID); in that field I'm out of my depth and can only recommend seeing a professional counsellor.

This FAQ is placed in the public domain; feel free to copy it, put it on Web pages, and so on.

1. Self-acceptance. This comes first. Before you can expect anyone else to accept you as a crossdresser, you must be able to accept yourself. People sense our evaluations of ourselves and respond to them. If in your heart you believe crossdressing is sick, the fact will show up in your voice, in your choice of words, in your body language, and you'll have a hard time convincing your SO that you aren't sick. If in your heart you know what a joyful and enriching activity crossdressing is, this will similarly come across in subtle ways and will greatly increase the likelihood that your SO will react positively.

Granted, self-acceptance does not come easily. It can be hard to undo a lifetime of brainwashing and lies from Society. You have to work at it. Support groups may help. Therapy may help. Reading books and Web pages may help. But ultimately, it has to come from within. (And, ironically, acceptance from your SO, if you get it, can provide a HUGE boost to your own self-acceptance.)

Note that self-acceptance doesn't automatically eliminate being nervous about others' reactions. Fears of reprisal are perfectly rational.

Self-knowledge is also important. If you've never read any books about crossdressing, find some and read them. (If the author treats CDing as a disease, go and find another book.)

2. Unpredictability. It is impossible to tell how a wife will respond to such a disclosure. Recorded responses range all the way from rejection, divorce, and legal harassment to joyful acceptance and cooperation. This is probably the main reason crossdressers hesitate to out themselves, and with good reason. In a few miraculous cases, the wife has said something like, "Oh, isn't that delightful! I think men in drag are cute! I used to dress my brother when he was a teenager." At least once a wife was relieved to learn that the panties she found were her husband's and not some other woman's. But those are the exceptional cases; rejection seems to be the more common response, and you must be prepared for it. (See point 6.)

3. Assume you are going to be caught. There may be men who have crossdressed over their entire married life without ever being found out, but there can't be many of them. It's too easy to make a slip, or to assume that your wife will be out a long time when she isn't. This is probably the most compelling reason to talk to her about it: it's better for her to hear about it from you than to discover it for herself.

The two most likely ways to be caught are either by having your cache of clothes discovered or by being surprised while dressed. Try to anticipate how best to respond in either of these cases. One CDer who kept her things in a box put a note to her wife in the box: "Now that you've found this...." This may work for you. And if there is even the most microscopic likelihood of being caught dressed, make sure you're dressed tastefully, like a mature woman, not sluttily or like a little girl. (See point 7, below.)

4. The sooner the better. Ideally, you should make your crossdressing known to any girl you date, so that when one of these girls eventually becomes your wife, she will know about it already.

Of course, it's hard to figure out a way of saying, "Oh, by the way, Mary, I like to wear women's clothes. I hope that's okay with you." But you have to find a way. One possibility is "gender-blending": wearing articles of women's clothing along with your regular male clothes. You can wear your hair long and have it cut in a unisex style. You can find women's scarves, pins or other costume jewelry, earrings if that's your thing, hose or pantyhose, women's T-shirts or turtlenecks. If you wear a ponytail, you can find something more attractive than a rubber band to secure it. If you are up front in your dress, it may be easier to be up front in your conversation, particularly if your date asks you why you're wearing that girl's scarf. Then it may be a little easier to say, "Oh, I like to wear women's things...."

If CDing comes up in conversation, this is an opportunity to educate; don't let it slip. Even if you can't bring yourself to come out, you can still defend the practice, and if you've read up about it, you can dispel some of the more common misconceptions.

Even if you didn't do all this and married a woman without telling her, it's better to tell her earlier than later, all other things being equal. It won't be easy, but it has to be done. The longer you wait, the greater the possibility that you will get caught and the harder time you will have explaining why you didn't say anything sooner. Karen said, "Not telling is a time bomb. De-fuse it as soon as it is safe." Joan said, "Secrets withheld from an SO, especially ones you are not sure about, are killers to a successful relationship."

5. How to tell. I think most girls have to find their own way, but there are some guidelines: Don't present it as a problem. Present it in as favorable a way as you can manage. Be ready to explain why you didn't tell her earlier. Be dead honest: if you like to wear dresses, say so and don't claim that you only like the occasional pair of pantyhose. Don't claim it's just a "hobby"; dressing is in a different league altogether from building model airplanes. If you have literature for her, make sure it's tasteful, and especially avoid any magazines with personal ads in them: you don't want your SO to associate your dressing with people like "54 yr old in Topeka looking for strong minded woman to turn him into widdle girl."

There are also some tips on telling in Jennifer Anne Stevens's book. See also "Will they Still Love Me...?" in the references at the end of this FAQ.

6. Prepare for rejection. By this I mean arming yourself with scientific literature on the subject of crossdressing--literature that points out that crossdressing doesn't mean you're gay (that, in fact, the majority of crossdressers aren't), that crossdressing is far more common than people think, that being a crossdresser doesn't automatically mean you're going to have a sex-change operation, that many crossdressers are happily married. See the references below for sources. If possible, make a file of these materials so they will be at hand when they are needed. (Keep the file encrypted.) Either join a support group or know where such a group can be found when the time comes. It also may be a good idea to locate a gender-aware counsellor, in case you need one. A last-minute scramble is not a good way to find the right counsellor. Note that many counsellors are not gender-aware and may try to "cure" you or get you to stop. (You aren't sick--so how can there be a cure?)

If your SO brings up religious issues, note that there are many theologically sound rebuttals available; see the references for an excellent summary.

Joan adds: "Be ready for laughter. But don't forget, you are the cause of the humor." Agreed. Let's face it: most men look pretty silly in dresses unless they're gifted with the right kind of looks and have had plenty of time to learn how to dress well. Joan continues: "After all, aren't you doing something unusual? We have lots of humor together, and laughter can be good medicine."

Be ready for tears, too.

7. Be tactful. No matter how you like to dress when alone, don't go waltzing into the living room in a miniskirt and tights, made up to look like a hooker, crying "This is the Other Me!" It's best if she doesn't see you dressed to begin with in any case, and when the day comes when she does see you, be modest and tasteful. No matter what your fantasy may be--schoolgirl, slut, debutante, bride--make sure you have at least one conservative, tasteful outfit and wear it then, with a minimum of makeup. You might even make the supreme sacrifice and wear slacks instead of a skirt. :-)

Of course, if she surprises you dressed, then you're wearing whatever you're wearing then and you have to start from there. That's another reason to tell before you're caught.

8. Allow plenty of time. If your wife responds badly, it isn't necessarily the end of the world--or of your marriage. (Carol says, "Broken marriages involving crossdressers were on shaky ground long before crossdressing became an issue.") Tact, a good self-image, and endless patience may make a difference. But it will take time. Crossdressers whose wives have ended up supportive and even cooperative have sometimes had to work for years to get to that point. It's well worth the wait. Joan adds: "Do not push. Wait a time, with patience. If you push, you will be pushed back, and you don't want this. Let the SO set the pace."

9. Be prepared to agree to limits. A wife may drop or modify her objections if you promise not to dress when she's around or in front of relatives or your children, or if you assure her that you aren't going to embarrass her by running around in public dressed. What the limits are will depend on the kind of woman she is. Dressing 24 hours a day, 7 days a week will almost certainly be out of the question. And remember that if the limits are too restrictive for you at the start, you may be able to renegotiate them later on.

10. Many of us like to refer to ourselves as "girls." Don't do that when you're talking with your SO, and don't refer to yourself by a femme name. Remember: she will be frightened by all this. She married a man, not a lesbian lover; whatever you are to yourself, be a man to her. Joan's advice, again: "Let the SO set the pace." If she takes to calling you a girl--affectionately, not in a spirit of cruel mockery--okay; go along with it. But not until then.

11. Give her lots of love. You should be doing this all along in any case; turning it on suddenly will look suspicious. But realize that she will probably be upset and insecure; make sure she knows how much you love her. Kiss her often (but not when you're dressed unless you know she likes that), and show affection in every way you can. Make her realize how much she is cherished. Remember that discovering that your husband dresses can be a very frightening experience. She will need reassurance.

Marilyn, advising a transsexual put it this way:  Tell her these things as often as possible:

• I love you
• I want us to be together
• I need you here for me
• I'm here for you

That applies to crossdressers, too.

12. Be considerate: a. Wear your own things, not hers. Hers are not likely to be your size, and you could harm them. The only exception: if she specifically invites you to--of her own accord, without being asked. b. Make sure your clothes budget isn't greater than hers. c. If you're one of those lucky girls who look smashing in drag, make sure you don't look better than she does. d. If she makes suggestions, listen to them and follow them, or at least try them. (The wife who actually suggests dresses and skirts for her husband to wear isn't just accepting: she's a marvel, one in a million. Cherish her.) e. If you can, when you go shopping for yourself, buy something for her, too. There are more recommendations along the same lines in Stevens's book.

13. References.

A. Web pages:

• For a brief FAQ on crossdressing, see
  http://www.firstnethou.com/brenda/faq.htm.
• The Renaissance Educational Association has a very comprehensive page for crossdressers. See especially their Background Paper 3.2, "Partners: Spouses, Lovers & Significant Others," on that page.
• Diane Wilson's page has some useful information and will probably have more in the future. Some of her material on coming out as a transsexual probably carries over to coming out as a crossdresser. See especially "For Wives and Significant Others."
• The CDS Bookstand has two articles of particular interest:
  1. A comprehensive essay on how, and when, to tell: "Will They Still Love Me After I Tell Them?"
  2. "Divorce & The Transvestite." The story of a CD whose divorce had absolutely nothing to do with his dressing, with warm and affectionate remarks from his second wife.
• Gianna Israel has a Web page primarily addressed to transsexuals but with a good deal of material useful for crossdressers. She may also be able to refer you to gender-aware therapists.
• A detailed summary of Christian religious objections and ways to meet them.
• The Tri-Ess (Society for the Second Self) Home Page.
• Kathryn's Transgender Page.
• Crossdressers' pages (posted here with their owners' permission):
  • Joan's Page.
  • Michelle's Page.
• For a comprehensive collection of links to just about every conceivable crossdressing and transgendered Web page, see Anna's TG/TS links.
• Drag Links.

B. Books:

• Virginia Prince, Ph.D.: Understanding Crossdressing. Los Angeles: Chevalier Publications, 1976. ISBN not known.
• JoAnn Roberts, Ph.D.: Coping with Crossdressing.
• --------: Art and Illusion. Vol. 1, Face and Hair; vol. 2, Fashion and Style. King of Prussia, Penn.: Creative Design Services, 1994, ISBN 1-880715-05-8.
• JoAnn Roberts and Alison Laing: I Have Something to Tell You.
• Dr. Pegy Rudd, Ed.D.: My Husband Wears My Clothes. Katy, Tex.: PM Publishers, 1993, ISBN 0-9626762-0-9. Highly recommended.
• Dr. Pegy Rudd, Ed.D.: Crossdressing With Dignity. Katy, Tex.: PM Publishers, 1993, ISBN 0-9626762-1-7.
• Jennifer Anne Stevens: From Masculine to Feminine and All Points In Between. Cambridge, Mass.: Different Path Press, 1990 ISBN 0-9626262-0-1. Highly recommended.

For a comprehensive list of books for and about crossdressing, see CDS Publications.

C. Videos:

• The Horizon Institute: "The World of Gender: The Crossdresser and His Wife --Strategies for Coping."

Personal Stories

Joan S talks about how she told her wife.

7.3.What is the Relationship Between Crossdressing and Sexuality?

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Disclaimer: Use this at your own risk. Things change daily on the Net and net-related information in this FAQ may not necessarily be correct. The only part of this document that can be considered perpetually accurate is the charter quoted in the first section of the Introduction.

Copyright © 1994-1997 by Amy A. Lewis, Kymberleigh Richards, and Diane Wilson. This page may be redistributed only after notifying the authors and entirely without changes other than what may be required for formatting into another medium.

Last updated June 3, 2001.

The soc.support.transgendered FAQ was originally written by Amy A. Lewis <alicorn@pobox.com>, and was updated in late 1995 and early 1996 by Kymberleigh Richards <sysadmin@xconn.com>. It is currently maintained by Diane Wilson <diane@firelily.com>; updates and additions should be sent to Diane Wilson. The FAQ Introduction is also available via the Cross Connection archive server.