Places to Avoid, and Why

Oil Trough, Arkansas

The high school football team, known as the "Ooze," is undefeated, since no one can hold on long enough to tackle them. Every player is called "Slick." The safest place to stop is probably "The Sludge Pump." At all costs, avoid the Diesel-Fish Inn. (I'm told there is also a Toad Suck Ferry, but perhaps it really was too small to get on the map).

Mechanicsville, Iowa

Some towns have speed traps; this one has a tow-truck trap. All the roads are cobblestone, even the Interstate. You can't get through town without having a mechanic (who hasn't bathed since the womb) drive your car around the block six times, muttering, "I don't know, I don't think your revoltanator is going to make it to the next town. Better let me take a look and see if it's affected anything else."

Lizard Lick, North Carolina

...unless you're into some very kinky activities. (I'll take the flypaper body paint, please. Oh, yes. Drop that fly right here--no, dammit, here. Oh, yesssssss.......)

Hooker, Missouri

It's illegal not to be a hooker in Hooker. You have to show your needle-tracks and STD history if you want to stay out of jail. Everybody has a pimp, including the pimps and every cop on the vice squad. Everyone colors their hair, and the law requires a minimum of one inch of different-colored roots to show. All pantyhose are sold with full-length runs. (At the time, Rand-McNally seemed to have a thing about not putting towns named "Hooker" on the map, regardless of size).

Les Bizarrables

Places to Avoid, and Why