In an effort to get to know my readers, I ask that you please complete the following survey. Choose your first impulse; second-guessing yourself will only leave a false impression.

1.  People compare my behavior at parties to
     a.  the Golden Gate bridge.
     b.  spring floods on the Nile.
     c.  a bowl of Cream of Wheat.

 2.  When I think of sex, I think of
     a.  elephants in springtime.
     b.  human sacrifice.
     c.  the smell of old shoes.

 3.  To impress my boss at dinner, I'd serve
     a.  green jello with cottage cheese, garnished with mayo.
     b.  boiled tongue with chocolate sauce.
     c.  Spam quiche.
     d.  sweat-sock lasagna.

 4.  I would rather
     a.  take apart a clock.
     b.  spank a sleeping baby.
     c.  drown a cat.
     d.  run away with a transsexual.

 5.  My earliest memory is
     a.  my mother in her leathers.
     b.  my brother's hair on fire.
     c.  finding a condom in my oatmeal.

 6.  My dream date is
     a.  full moon night at the fish farm.
     b.  a massage from Newt Gingrich.
     c.  simultaneous root canals.

 7.  My dream date is with
     a.  O.J.'s defense team.
     b.  Rasputin.
     c.  Sen. Bob Packwood.
     d.  Leona Helmsley.
     e.  Imelda Marcos' shoes.

 8.  My secret fantasy is
     a.  an orgasm during free fall.
     b.  spanking a sleeping baby.
     c.  a mirrored toilet seat.
     d.  collecting urine samples from the Dallas Cowboys.

 9.  My ideal job would be
     a.  receiving the placebo in a "Beano" effectiveness test.
     b.  selling souvenir urine samples from the Dallas Cowboys.
     c.  spanking sleeping babies.
     d.  smelling old shoes.
     e.  collecting goat semen.

10.  If I were starting a new religion, I would baptize people in
     a.  a mouth-shaped vat filled with massage oil.
     b.  goat semen.
     c.  the Love Canal.
     d.  Thai fish sauce.