The following was posted on talk.bizarre:

(names have been changed to protect.. well, no reason, really)

Charred Smudge writes job application cover letters.

Charred Smudge says, "augh the temptation to be snide so SO GREAT"

Ominous Gear says, "'Dear sir: Hire me or I shoot this dog. Ha ha! just kidding.'"

Ominous Gear says, "'My boundless enthusiasm for slaving day-in, day-out as a mere cog in the machine in your unethical and pointless outfit fills me with an emotion midway between joy and self-hatred."

Ominous Gear says, "'I read about your latest project in the literature, and I find myself eager to work in some capacity on that job. Either that, or bus tables in the company cafeteria.'"

Ominous Gear says, "'I saw your picture in the trade journal, sir, and I think you have the shapeliest shoulders of any exec this side of Madison Avenue. If I may be so bold, that is.'"

Ominous Gear says, "'Please, please write me a check! I'll do anything! I'll grovel! would you like that? I can do that! sir!'"

Giant Tree says, "I have never seen a company with so many windows. That will be me looking out of 34B-12."

Ominous Gear says, "Yours in eager-beaver butt-toad bliss, I remain,"

Ominous Gear says, "YOUR LITTLE VERMIN-IN-TRAINING, Smudge."

Red Page says, "I'm anxious to put my skills to work for your company, given the dearth of real opportunity at this time."

Giant Tree says, "I hear your company only buys real pine furniture. That to me is what a company should stand for."

Ominous Gear says, "In addition to my many fine qualifications as shown on the CV (attached), I have worked as a torpedo several times in the past, with considerable success. I would like to put these skills, and others, to work for you."

Ominous Gear says, "'I would love to work for your company. However, I must warn you that I am a Christian first and foremost, and God is my Uberboss. Just so we're straight.'"

Ominous Gear says, "'I chose your company because I noted in your literature that you do not require a comprehensive drug test before hiring. I was intrigued by this attitude.'"

Giant Tree says, "I have held numerous jobs on the Alabama chain gang and a couple halfway house day jobs. This is what I think makes me the man for your position in flight control management."

Giant Tree says, "(written in blood) Even before being a part of your company I have already grown in my ability to express myself."

Ominous Gear says, "Give them lots of useless attachments, Smudge."

Ominous Gear says, "Childhood fingerpaintings.....a colection of useless receipts....postcards...."

Charred Smudge says, "I could send them the URL for my web pages and scare them off for good and all."

Achenar pages: As for fan clubs, I never asked for that sort of thing.

Ominous Gear says, "Send them neoNazi propaganda and comment gravely on what it means for the future of America."

Giant Tree says, "send them a lock of hair and a baby tooth."

Ominous Gear says, "Even more mystifying would be to send them a small American flag, with no explanation."

Marker Switch says, "small Australian flag. get 'em while they're cheap!"

Ominous Gear says, "Get a small key and send it without explanation. It will drive them nuts. You'll stand out for sure."

Charred Smudge says, "well, the bottom line is I'm not really interested in working at either of these places."

Ominous Gear says, "Oh. Then there's LOTS of things you can do!"

Ominous Gear says, "Send them a spent .22 pistol round casing."

Giant Tree says, "write everything on stone tablets and sign them Smudge Rubble."

Ominous Gear says, "Send everything COD."

Ominous Gear says, "Subscribe them to the NAMBLA mailing list."

Red Page says, "give it your best effort, then sneer at the offer, telling them you had six figures in mind"

Ominous Gear says, "Send them anonymous death threats if they dare to hire you."

Giant Tree says, "Urinate in the envelope."

Charred Smudge says, "or mail them a funeral home brochure."

Ominous Gear says, "The corners of your letters should be slightly charred."

Ominous Gear says, "Or aged in the oven."

Charred Smudge says, "dear sirs, I have wakened from the sleep of centuries only to find.."

Giant Tree says, "Leave minute traces of explosive all over the enclosures."

Red Page says, "send them a 35K word manifesto on the evils of technology"

Ominous Gear says, "Send them a perfectly respectable letter, and then close by looking forward to working in a productive, challenging environment free from the influence of spics, gooks, jews and negros."

Ominous Gear says, "We need a book: HOW NOT TO GET A JOB."

Ominous Gear says, "I could phone them 24 hours after they get your letters, pretending to work for the FBI and 'just looking in' on you...."

Ominous Gear says, "Phone them every five minutes: 'did you get my letter?'.....'did you get my letter?'....'did you...'"

Ominous Gear says, "Go to your interviews with a measuring tape. Select an important-looking person. Measure his or her office."

Ominous Gear says, "'I don't think my desk will fit through the door.'"

Giant Tree says, "Tape a picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger to your resume."

Sunken Ship says, "share your feelings about the local professional sports team. Then get overly enthusiastic about the tuckus of the star player. Continue through three attempted changes of subject."

Ominous Gear says, "Any time the interviewer says anything, shake your head and look disgusted."

Blue Page stands up and recites: "les Canadiens sont la!"

Red Page says, "emphasize the visitation hours for your personal references"

Sunken Ship says, "pointedly recommend a decorator, caterer and exterminator."

Sunken Ship says, "ask what the visiting hours are."

Ominous Gear says, "Casually ask if DOOM is already installed on the network."

Blue Page notes that tuckii are hard to discern under those loose hockey pants.

Blue Page says, "are these pickup line suggestions? job interview hints?"

Ominous Gear says, "Demand your own fridge."

Sunken Ship says, "both, Blue Page, for bonus points."

Red Page says, "walk into the bosses office first, sit behind the desk"

Ominous Gear says, "'So....what day, around here, is Jello day?'"

Sunken Ship says, "speak competently and skillfully at length in response to each question until asked to sign the NDA. Shake the interviewer by the lapels and bellow, 'INFORMATION WANTS TO BE FREE!' Spit on his lip."

Ominous Gear says, "Bring finger-puppets. Speak through them."

Giant Tree says, "If anyone asks for your name, say Bond, James Bond."

Blue Page says, "better, allow your multiple personalities to manifest through them."

Sunken Ship says, "'I'm Richard Stallman, and this is my little friend, Andy.'"

Charred Smudge says, "wander in looking dazed. Say "I'll have the steak", then fall over onto the desk."

Rocketship says, "When asked if you've ever been convicted of a felony, say "Nope -- acquitted every time!""

Ominous Gear says, "Bring a sword-cane. When questioning stalls, it makes a great conversation piece."

Sunken Ship says, "deconstruct the NDA."

Ominous Gear SHIIING.

Blue Page says, "offer the interviewer a toke."

Giant Tree says, "bring a small camera and take pictures of all the security cameras. ask pointed questions about "the vault""

Rocketship says, "Point to the picture of the interviewer's family and ask detailed question about that pretty little girl..."

Ominous Gear says, "Ask piercing, specific questions regarding elements of the benefits package regarding criminal insanity."

Charred Smudge says, "When they bring out the NDA, prostrate yourself with the interviewers foot on your neck and say "This humble servant is but the least of your slaves.""

Ominous Gear says, "If they ask you tough questions, look straight up in the air, suck your thumb, grab your crotch, and rock back and forth. Don't stop. Ever."

Sunken Ship says, "midway through the interview, interrupt to animatedly read them a passage from a really good book about cats."

Ominous Gear says, "When they offer you coffee, get seconds, thirds and fourths, all within five minutes."

Blue Page says, "bring your mother."

Giant Tree says, "Wear 15 pairs of sunglasses and complain about the glare in the office."

Rocketship says, "If he asks you about the volatile qualifier in C, and you don't know the answer (<-- true scenario) scream "VOLATILE? I'll show you volatile!" and throw him out the window, cackling as he falls 13 stories to Market Street."

Ominous Gear says, "Midway through, let a sparkle enter your eye. 'Look what *I* brought!' you can say, pulling Twister from your briefcase...."

Red Page says, "don't forget to bring a handshake buzzer"

Blue Page says, "take out a squashy paper bag and offer a persimmon."

Giant Tree says, "try to sell dollar candy bars to all the people."

Rocketship says, "Ask if there's a formal dress code. If the interview says no, start undressing."

Sunken Ship says, "intone 'YOU WOULDN'T RUIN THE PARTY, WOULD YOU?' if not offered the job by the time you leave."

Rocketship says, "Admit that you made up what's on your resume, and start giving a life history of your attention-getting strategies."

Ominous Gear says, "You don't want to work anywhere where they find eating seeds acceptable in the interview."

Red Page says, "take at least two toothpicks in case you break one"

Giant Tree says, "take a break to carefully draw a line of sugar and inhale it."

Ominous Gear says, "Floss."

Rocketship says, "Offer nude photos of your sister. (Remember, Carasso did interviews at Inference.)"

Sunken Ship says, "pull out your laptop with an air of significance, wait for them to lean over for a look, and launch Tetris."

Sunken Ship says, "ask if they are on the Information Superhighway."

Rocketship says, "Brag about your Mortal Kombat high score."

Ominous Gear says, "'Take a look at THIS puppy,' you can boast, pulling out your .357 and laying it on the table."

Rocketship says, "Cite your talk.bizarre articles as proof of your communication skills."

Ominous Gear says, "Stare at interviewers across the desk. "I can take you...." you should mutter darkly."

Ominous Gear says, "Offer to thumb-wrestle."

Rocketship says, "When asked about salary, ask what the interviewer makes."

Red Page says, "say 'Hey dOOd, I've written some serious warez.'"

Ominous Gear says, "If in another city, ask what one has to do to find some 'action' in these parts."

Sunken Ship says, "lean over and say, 'you know, you're very intelligent and obviously hard-driving and resourceful. You might consider coming to our Amway meetings.'"

Giant Tree says, "Run your hand over the face of your interviewer to determine facial characteristic and astral polarization"

Rocketship says, "Complain about the radio in your head."

Ominous Gear says, "Offer him/her a drink from a hip-flask."

Sunken Ship says, "complain about the lack of reception in your head."

Blue Page says, "arrange to have the interview interrupted with several cell-phone calls. Say cryptic things."

Rocketship says, "Offer to take the interviewer shopping, 'cause s/he's just got to do _something_ about those clothes."

Sunken Ship says, "ask which way is north. Carefully remain oriented in that direction at all times."

Ominous Gear says, "When entering the room, cross immediately to the window and draw the blinds. Look relieved."

Blue Page says, "take a break to bow to Mecca and say your prayers."

Rocketship says, "Leave a trail of bread crumbs from the moment you enter their building."

Sunken Ship says, "leave a trail of Newton MessagePads from the moment you enter their building."

Rocketship says, "... a trail of post-it notes."

Ominous Gear says, "Stick EVERY POST-IT NOTE the interviewer owns all over the room."

Sunken Ship says, "give the interviewer a gold watch enscribed with the words '25 years loyal service.'"

Giant Tree says, "stop to play with every piece of technology encountered: doorbells, staplers, phones."

Sunken Ship says, "fire the interviewer energetically."

Rocketship says, "use post-it notes to label 'interviewer' and 'interviewee'."

Ominous Gear says, "Test the halon releases."

Giant Tree says, "when you arrive, say you are a fireman come to rescue their pets."

Blue Page says, "ask if you can make a phone call, and then say whimsically, "i can NEVER get these things to work!'"

Rocketship says, "Sit in the interviewer's chair. Play with his/her computer. Ask where the pornographic gifs are."

Ominous Gear says, "You should come wearing period Victorian garb."

Sunken Ship says, "sing the harmony part of 'The Boxer'. Pause expectantly every few seconds and look at the interviewer."

Blue Page says, "postpone the interview because the planets are poorly aligned."

Rocketship says, "Inquire about their policy about employees making long distance phone calls. Drop references to your relatives in Kazahkstan."

[boutell.com's provider hiccups]

Giant Tree says, "walk around jerkily and complain about lag"

Sunken Ship says, "Giant Tree, we all got booted. That's a good one, though."

Sunken Ship says, "if somebody logged all that, there could be a post in there."

Charred Smudge has it in scrollback.

Giant Tree says, "i could log it i think."

Giant Tree says, "ok Charred Smudge you do it."

Blue Page says, "i'd just suggested: take off your shirt, sit on any convenient table, and start reciting your medical history."

Sunken Ship says, "every time you hear a noise, start up and shout 'HE'S RETURN- oh. Never mind. Where were we?'"

Sunken Ship says, "periodically fix the interviewer with a stare and ask, conspiratorially, 'GOOLEY?' Change the subject when questioned about this."

:;Smarasderagd:;
Yes I am a stupid fool, why?