Here's a story, a factual story. (True story ? -- too subjective)

A few months ago, the situation at work changed drastically, once again.

The company reorganized and I was moved, without consultation, from one manager to another. Additionally, I was 'assigned' to an existing project that seemed to be a black hole. I was told, immediately, that VPs were worried about the delays and budget overruns. Dbear quickly informed me that I was expected to save this project and thereby the company and my job.

Background - I'd actively sought the original position. I risked my career by leaving the 2nd largest American auto manufacturer to seek that job. I was looking for more job satisfaction through using all my skills to accomplish great things for many different customers. The reorg placed me where my sole customer would be my former employer!!

Anyway, this situation (new manager, black hole project, single customer, no consultation) brought out Dbear and all my Passive/Aggressive behaviours. I just sat there at my desk and didn't work at all on the project. And this went on for months without comment from my boss! (Wrong response, boss.)

Then, this happened. The company had arranged training in Presentation Skills for all its field people. My classmates included several co-workers and my manager! A 3day class, my manager and Dbear. What a setup :/

The afternoon of the second day, our exercise was to prepare the agenda for a 15min presentation. Choose our own topic. Bite the bullet time, folks. I risked, yet again. I just couldn't keep trying to fight alone. My topic -- Depression

Depression:  Coping with Dbear

1)  Misconceptions
2)  My symptoms
3)  Coping Strategies

When I asked the instructor to review (God, was I vulnerable), the moment he saw the topic, he laughed out loud! Then he looked at me. Then he said, "You're serious, aren't you?" Oh, yes, I was serious.

The last step of that first exercise was to stand up and present our agenda. Talk about shocked faces! My 'grade', though, was very high. I, once again, proved that I'm a natural talent at preparing and presenting these kinds of things.

The next day, we learned some more from lecture and then were given the exercise of finishing and delivering our presentations to the class. Each student would be videotaped and critiqued by the entire class. Scary enough to have delivered the agenda. Now I'd have to do the whole thing -- explain depression and me in just 15 minutes! And then face the judgement of my classmates!!

Oh, well, damn the torpedoes.

Misconceptions

1. Depression connotes mental illness connotes crazy connotes dangerous

   The person most at risk from depression is the depressive. I pose no danger to you people.

2. Everyone knows what they are feeling and doing at all times

   I was taught all my life not to feel angry. When Dbear is here, I cannot tell that I'm expressing anger because I don't feel it. I only detect my anger by catching your reaction to it.

Symptoms

1. Fatigue
2. Isolation

   I withdraw to spare others my bad feelings. That feeds Dbear, too.

3. Irritability

Coping strategies

1. Fatigue

   Let me take naps. I can't control my life's schedule enough to get all the sleep Dbear and I need all the time.

2. Inclusion

   Don't just accept my withdrawal. If you like me, if you care, include me in activities. Invite me to lunch or coffee break. Ask my opinion on work. Don't leave me alone with Dbear.

3. Don't take Dbear personally

   While in a depression episode, I'm not in control. Dbear is in control. He'll say and do things I wouldn't do. They might hurt you. Dbear is filtering all the input and producing all the output.

Summation: RESCUE

I can't win over Dbear by fighting alone. If I'm in a depressive episode, if a project is slipping, don't wait for it to pass. It won't. Rescue me. Rescue that project.

Well, to say the least, I was really anxious at the end. "Waiting for the knives." But again, they didn't fly at me. The judgements were that I delivered very well, that the presentation was informative, etc.

Since then, I've had a minor episode, triggered by my mother. The symptoms came out. It took several days to acknowledge it, but when I did and apologized to the people Dbear took it out on, they were very supportive. Goldarn, it helped. :o

I'm secure, again. I explained my needs, about projects, customers and personal, and I'm getting support. They even say I'm a nice guy!! What a world.

Next interesting task? Learning to deal with that uneasy nervousness people feel when you return to work after three months of medical leave for treatment of a "mental illness" <gasp! is it contagious? will he act crazy?> Unlike some, I was able to be very open about the "illness" I was taking leave to treat -- I planned and arranged the medical leave in conjunction with my boss and HR. Still ... it will be interesting! I stopped in for lunch last week and it's awkward to see people stumble over how to ask "how are you?" And how do I describe what "better" means? So, to make the transition as comfortable as possible (granting that it will be unavoidably awkward to some extent), I sent a generic email to the senior officers and other key managers at my employer saying, in part:

"For the past three months I have been undergoing intensive therapy, both medical and psychological, for major depression. The medical profession considers depression to be a serious condition, sometimes even describing it as "terminal" because of the number of people who die from it at their own hand. That didn't happen to me (obviously) nor was it ever a serious consideration.

"I am writing this both to alert you to my impending return and to make the transition as comfortable as possible for all of us. I know when a person has a broken ankle and returns to work that it's "normal" to discuss the accident, the experience of physical therapy, the "cabin fever" experienced while on leave from work, etc. etc. etc. It's a little more awkward when returning to work from a medical leave to treat a mental illness. I know it's awkward to even know how to ask "how's it going" or "how are you feeling."

"In this light I want to assure everyone that I would not be coming back unless I, my doctor and my therapist all agreed that I am "ready." No one should feel they have to "watch what they say" for fear I won't be able to handle it. I will be more than happy to discuss my illness, its treatment, lessons learned, and sufferings endured. I am emerging from this experience (in my opinion) stronger and healthier than I ever thought possible. My "insides" feel "scrubbed clean" and I feel considerably more at ease being myself. I am not heavily medicated, can recognize myself in the mirror, and could easily pass a straight line test. I am very excited about the prospect of returning."