> V. writes:

>Abuse is a very, very special word. It has a lot of power and should be used sparingly. Like racist, rapist, evil, genocide, Nazi or any of another hot-button words if we over-use it and pull it out everytime we encounter something or someone we don't care for we cheapen it and trivialize it for the time when the person using the word needs all its power.

The spirit in which you make this request is appreciated. But I think this may be a good time to discuss abuse, and I'm going to start by discussing the point that you are trying to make.

I believe that each and every one of us here understands what abuse is, and does not use that word lightly. Because most of us have been abused, at one time or another--sexually, emotionally, physically, or psychologically abused, or neglected. There are a whole lot more terrible stories out there than you may realize. I say this from my experience as an ex-social worker with the elderly. (It was the clients who were damaged by abuse that burnt me out and led to my resignation).

Psychological and emotional abuse are not well understood. For some reason, we look at a bruise and gasp with consternation, while the rearranging of another's mind impresses us not at all. Those who claim to have been abused in this way find it difficult to describe to anyone just what it was that was done to them. In my case, for example, I just cannot bear to pull it out again, and deliberately forget the details. This inability to describe just how pain was inflicted makes it even harder for the rest of us to credit their claim.

I was battered by my father, and also by a lesbian lover. The lover ended up by trying to break my neck or strangle me, whichever would come first when you apply a hold like that. When I made my escape, I was covered with bruises in various stages of healing.

I was also psychologically and emotionally abused by my father, in the worst sort of way. Probably the same way his mother had done to him. And I feel that had I had children, I would have done much the same--too much is learned, integrated into your being.

Now, having had these experiences, I can look back and compare the damage. The beating--well, I flinch when someone touches me. I've lost my trust in life. I startle easily, and that is nerve-wracking--and upsetting to those that love me. I can't deal with violence. When I feel threatened I go into total fight-flight mode, and behave irrationally.

The psychological abuse I perceive as being far worse, far more damaging to my person. It caused decades of pain as I tried to deal with the parts of me that were reacting to abuse that had long since stopped. This kind of abuse just goes on and on, has a life that lives long after the abuser has gone.

The dynamics of psych. abuse are fascinating--and I suppose it would be interesting to delve into them at length, and contribute something to the literature on abuse. But for now, I just cannot bear to look at it for long.

Mind you, this was abuse that no one else could see. Not only was it carried on in a sly, stealthy way, it was also incidentally hidden from public view: for some reason, abusers only let their abusive personalities come out when they are with their victims. I say incidentally, because it almost seems like it's universal--but on the other hand, I suppose their behaving differently around others would serve to hide their abuse quite well.

These abusers are most often "charmers." They can be very popular with their peers. They know how to make people like them. And only someone who is well-versed in the patterns knows what to look for.

Another reason that we usually don't get to hear the details of honest-to-goodness emotional/psych. abuse is that the victims are usually loath to describe it. To describe it to third parties necessitates laying open your pummelled psyche for the world to look in and poke around. That is terrifying.

In a nutshell, this kind of abuse has some common markers: 1) it makes the victims feel as though they're going crazy--they no longer trust either their own intellects or their own instincts, and 2) it renders them emotionally disorganized, and unable to trust their own feelings. Often they are unable to determine just how it is that they are supposed (by their abusers) to think and feel, and lose the ability to trust their own thoughts and feelings, and simply give up--they disconnect themselves.

Damage? Well, how would you get through your day with both arms tied behind your back? The environment is usually seen as very dangerous, and they remain constantly on the alert. Long-term damage can include the tendency to over-analyze every move a loved one makes, and severe depression, which will result any time you cut yourself off from your feelings. One friendship or partnership after another may fail. With no self-confidence and difficulty concentrating you are likely to fail in the workaday world. The long-term depression is a stressor that can lead to chronic illness. The fracturing of your psyche can lead to serious mental illness that needs treatment. If you go ahead and have your own family, the patterns will often repeat themselves, and you can look forward to many more years of misery as your family proceeds to implode with its own dysfunction. And then of course there are all sorts of self-destructive behaviors as the victim attempts to ensure the continuance of the abuse even after the abuser is gone. (As sick as this sounds, the environment of abuse becomes the only comfortable place for them to be--humans are just built that way). There's drinking, drugging, criminal behavior, quitting any effort that might lead to happiness, overeating or anorexia, philandering, suicide...

Jeez, I could go on all day. I think it's safe to assume no one wants me to. The point that I have been trying to make is that when someone tells us they have been/are being emotionally abused I think we have an obligation to take their statement seriously--and I think everyone here is quite capable of using the word "abuse" without "cheapening" it.

by C.C. 
placed here with permission