Grizelda Fugglethwaite normally posts this, but she's got a nasty chest-cold which even industrial strength vapour-rub isn't shifting, so I'm doing it, just this once. (The menthol fumes affect the computer -- if you've never seen a VDU with its eyes streaming, you haven't lived!)

By the way, does anyone in the West Yorkshire area know where to get hold of gallon drums of vapour-rub; she's a big lass and we seem to get through the stuff amazingly quickly.

WARNING: This is rather bastard-operator-from-hellish -- don't read if easily offended (or even not-so-easily-offended). Come to think of it, if you manage not to be offended by *something* in this, have you checked your pulse lately? Do you have one? If you don't, have you tried the Fresh Start Club? It's at 668 Elm Street in Ankh-Morpork, and it caters for, er, ... anyway, you might find it helpful.

Not the asd FAQ

Or, a few questions that *are* asked, but may not be answered in the FAQ, which answers sensible questions. Not, you must understand, that I'm saying the following are not sensible ... I give no guarantees as to the usefulness of the answers given; they may just be what I feel like saying right now, okay?

Q1 What does ASD stand for?

A1 It stands for alt.support.depression, and yes, it *is* lower case. You are reading a small portion of it now.

Q2 My girlfriend and I broke up last night and I'm feeling down. What can I do about it?

A2 Go away and stop bothering us. This is a support group for people with depression, not an agony aunt's web-page. People like you who can't tell the difference between an illness with a mortality rate of over ten percent and a the emotional aftereffects of a row with some floozy you picked up when drunk make me want to puke.

Q3 I'm sure you won't mind my posting details of my totally foolproof way of making a zillion dollars will you?

A3 I wouldn't bet your soft parts on it. As I write, dozens of messages are surging through the ether to your provider to get you disconnected. If you would be kind enough to provide details of your whereabouts, we will probably have someone close enough and irate enough to disconnect you from some treasured but undersized part of your anatomy (and no, I'm not necessarily talking of your brain).

Q4 Why do you always force people to take drugs?

A4 We don't. A good many here are likely to suggest that someone consider asking a doctor about whether an antidepressant would be a good idea in their particular circumstances. Some even go as far as suggesting a doctor qualified to give such advice. There is a good reason for this. ADs work at least as often as any other treatment, more often than none, and the side-effects are better than suicide. We don't force anyone to do anything. We didn't, for instance, force you to think before posting, did we?

Q5 Why do you always deny the helpfulness of therapy?

A5 We don't. It is fairly well known to those who have read asd for more than an hour or two, as you have plainly failed to do, that *talk therapy* can help people with depression, sometimes, to some extent, as can other forms of therapy. It is also well known that it tends to be most effective when used together with medication, or *drug therapy*. *Electro-convulsive therapy* is a matter for much debate in asd. Unfortunately the debate is largely between people who access in write-only mode. It is recommended for use only as a last resort (as is reading any thread with ECT in its title). However, the *ultimate* last resort (courtesy of a recent advertisment from a US hospital) is lobotomy, and no, I wasn't even thinking of suggesting that in your case. Honestly. Not for a minute.

Q6 All drugs must to be avoided. Use natural cures.

A6 Neither of those is a question, but I'm in a good mood, so I'll answer anyway. There isn't a *cure*. Sorry. I wish there was -- I could take it and kiss the lot of you goodbye. There are ways of making things better, and sometimes the depression doesn't return. That doesn't make them cures. As for the natural bit, what do you think opium is, and tobacco, and alcohol? All natural, and all drugs. Which do you want? Oops, that was a question wasn't it? Well, maybe you can manage to answer it, though I have grave doubts, even if every word in it was one syllable long.

Q7 Believe in (insert deity of your choice here) and you will be saved/cured/rich beyond your wildest dreams.

A7 There must be something about proselytizing beliefs that destroys people's brains -- that's not a question either! Let's put it this way, you are hurting some people here, and not helping anyone but yourself. Your post is off topic here, and would be better posted to talk.my-gods-dad-is-bigger-than-your-gods-dad.so-there.nyaah.

Q8 What's the point of it all?

A8 At last, a question! What a pity there isn't an answer. Next please.

Q9 I posted two hours ago and no-one has replied. Why?

A9 I think the question would have been better phrased in the negative; 'why not?' so that's what I'm going to answer.

• a) Your ISP screwed up and your first post has been totally lost. Sorry, but the Internet can do that. Tough isn't it?
• b) No-one saw your post because there's a crucial basketball match being televised in the only part of the globe where a reasonable person could expect someone to be awake. I know you aren't reasonable, but there isn't much I can do about that.
• c) Those who saw it were too depressed to deal with it themselves, and hoped someone would come along who could. (We aren't professional counsellors here, you know. Well, maybe some are, but they're here because they're depressed too. It happens.)
• d) If you must post in Latin, at least use the proper declensions. The only native Latin speaker was so appalled by your poor grammar she refused to have anything to do with your post.
• e) Okay, we saw it, but it was so whiney we totally ignored it. Now you've complained and we all feel like slug slime; three other asders have topped themselves already. I hope you are satisfied, you festering lump of toe-jam!

Q10 Why don't you all pull yourself together, get out into the open air and smile? You'll all feel much better.

A10 What are you, some sort of naturist health nut? Why don't you come out into the open air with us, so we can feel you better, pull you apart and give ourselves a reason to smile.

Q11 Why is asd run by a clique of regular posters? A11 I just asked the usual suspects, and they say it isn't. They've always been right in the past, so why shouldn't I believe them this time?

Q12 Why isn't asd moderated?

A12 Because no-one's bothered to set up a moderated version of asd. Feel free to do so. I suggest you read "So You Want to Create an Alt Newsgroup" by Dave Barr. It's available in news.answers, together with lots of other good stuff on where to post what, what not to post anywhere, and how to write what you post everywhere. BTW, setting up a moderated asd will not detract from asd, just add a slow response version for the timid, the censorious and the humourless.

Q13 I just stopped someone committing suicide, why am I being flamed for it?

A13 What did you expect from a bunch of mixed-up losers like us, praise? Just because someone's spouse and children will not have to deal with the after-effects (for now) and the would-be corpse is eternally grateful (they say that now, but eternity is a short-term affair with a mood-disorder) doesn't mean *someone* won't take exception. I mean, if you were planning to kill yourself, would like want some interfering busy-body like you coming along and stopping you? Well, you wouldn't if you succeeded, that's for sure!

Q14 Why isn't there a proper asd FAQ, not this bunch of crap?

A14 There is (I mentioned it at the beginning, are you paying *any* attention?). Mind you, it doesn't answer these questions, even though they are frequently asked!

Q15 Has anyone here taken [insert name of common antidepressant, currently being taken by several million people, and mentioned in seventeen current thread titles]?

A15 Definitely not! You aren't seriously considering taking *that*, are you? Have you checked your life-insurance premiums are up-to-date? Better check your personal liability cover too -- some of the side-effects can be, er, ... how can I put this? You don't have access to tactical nuclear weapons, do you?

Q16 Would a million dollars stop you being depressed?

A16 No. Next question.

What, no more questions? Oh well, I'd better post this lot then.